*This past year threw at me all kinds of emotional pain, mixed with healing, and then more pain, healing…etc. To give some context, my mom has a host of undiagnosed, untreated mental illness(es). After a years-long HARD fight for her to get help, I have surrendered it to God. To make matters worse, I went to my dad thinking he would want her to get help. Time and again, he made it quite clear he will take no action to get her the help she desperately needs. So, to protect myself from further heartache, I made the tough decision to end contact with my dad. Speaking to him, seeing him, just any form of contact with him is too painful (right now) because it reminds me that he doesn’t care about my mom.
A lot of what you’ll find below is my attempt at expressing all the deep wounds caused by a slow-moving shift in my mother’s mental state, the toxic nature of my parents’ expression of love to me, and the current complex feelings I live with in regards to going no contact.
When I would sit down to write, a lot of what came up was about my heart – my poor, sensitive heart that has been broken time and again. So, hence the name “The Heart Series.” Thank you for reading my very emo poetry.
“Hearts”
You make my heart sting
A shot to the heart
And I feel pain
You give love
A toxic name
An arrow to my heart
From those words you uttered
(Not) So long ago
A jolt in the veins
From your miserable, selfish ways
A punch to the gut
From the mania all over your face
Hearts are made
for breaking
My heart is
aching
Achy breaky
Hearts are made
For faking
“Where”
Where do you
Look in your soul
To find love
For someone
You already let go?
How can you
Find strength in
Your body
To hold yourself up
In the midst of
Someone who
Betrayed you
“Heart break”
Some things never change
Like the way a heart breaks
Jaggedly into a thousand
And one pieces
Hopeful that this time
This time will be the last
Just maybe this time
Will be the last
How many more pieces
Of my heart could break?
I think it must be an
Infinite amount
“Pain”
Do the crinkles
Around my eyes
Make you realize
The pain
You’ve inflicted
Upon me?
Oh - the answer
Is still
‘No’
ruthwilson91 