Play Dead

I have a lot of feelings

Feelings turned into thoughts

Thoughts into words

Words into Shapes

Shapes into Structures

That create a moment in time

A time such as ours

When we love so much

And we lose so many

At such a rapid pace

Who can keep up

With all the loss

All the mourning

The weight of

Lives lost

From gunshot wounds

They didn’t deserve

By humans

Who were hurting beyond hurt

Unable to withstand

The Evil that encompassed them

Who can explain

Where the hurt starts

Where it initiates from

Who the instigator is

Who’s to blame?

Who gets the shame?

Who am I to make a remark?

Is it society

Broken, as it is

A facade of

More, MOre, MORE

Will make you more whole

Or is it our preoccupation

With the self-

Rather than collective human

Connection-

Gasping for air

As we inwardly

Creep back into

Our own little, great

Affairs

It’s hard to say

Where the poison

Begins

So, let’s go back in time…

Let’s play dead

Just in case

Yesterday was the day

We faced Bullet’s gaze

How could we prepare

For such a fate?

We’re breathing now

(Hallelujah!)

But now is just a moment

In precious time

Let us enjoy

This moment!

It is not ours

To decide

When we live

Or when we die

Lunatices abound

In great disguise

Or is it a disguise?

Do we see the crazy (the mentally ill!)

But choose to

Ignore it –

Too busy going about

Our daily lives?

Walking on eggshells

In our own home

Our beautiful American country

We call Home

For Purple Mountains Majesty

Above the fruited plain!

America! America!

Wake up, America!

God shed his grace on thee,

Remember?

Not for nothing, can we agree?

Do we really want to live in

Fear from Sea to shining sea?

Land of the free

Home of the brave

Soldiers, policemen,

EMTs, Social Workers,

Even referees

On call at any moment

To clean up the mess

Made by our most

Mentally ill populous

Where the deer and the antelope play

Where seldom is heard

A discouraging word

-Except when there’s been a mass shooting

In Florida

In Colorado

In California

In a church

In a movie theater

At a concert

In a school

– And where the skies are…

Cloudy all day

All month

All year

All around us

In every way

I am so scared to be an American

I am so proud to be an American

I am so burdened by my American identity

I weep for what once was,

For what is to come,

And yet I hold on to hope

Because that is what Our Great America is

Built on –

Faith in things not yet seen –

We can be United again

If that is what we truly

Yearn for, Amen?

Los(t) Angeles

Picture it:

Buildings so high

They call them skyscrapers

People so low

They call them beggars

All of this

Seen

Within a 2-mile radius

All of this

Greed and opulence and need

Is outrageous

Yet I still choose to live here…?

They think Hollywood

Fulfills dreamers’ dreams,

Exceeds mile high expectations,

Supplies generations worth of motivations

All the while

It fills hearts

To the brim

With low self-esteem

And spirits

Turn grim

It reinforces the hungry

To keep reach reach reachin’

For likes that mean love

Views that mean

They’re enough

Leaving them,

Ironically,

Even more empty

And all the while

These dreamers are

Lower, smaller,

More insignificant

Than the beggars

Yet I still choose to live here…?

Los Angeles – the land

Where dreams die

Los Angeles – the land

Based on a lie

Los Angeles – you’ve

Deceived us

Los Angeles – you’re full of

Paupers and princes

Yet we keep waiting for

You to change

But we all know

You’ll always be as vapid

As the stars

You churn out

Expecting us to fall at their feet

In awe, worship, and adoration

If you’re the city of angels

Then why is no one being saved

And what am I still doing here?

Fruition

Once upon a time

A man with a mission

Said “Fuck this institution;

I’ll live by my own constitution.”

At first

He was like a joker

Causing an uproar

Just to get more and more

Until he came knocking

On our front

Doors

His followers

Became

More and more united

While the rest of us

Became

More and more divided

He led the way

With lies and hyperboles

Firing up all the

Fringe devotees

Turning them into

Crazed thugs and bullies

He told us not to

Believe what we were seeing

In front of our eyes

If asked when the hour was

Of our demise

This was it:

When

The Truth

Was Lies

Four years passed

Destruction scorched his path

Day after day

Hour after hour

His Twitter pitter patter

Power

Grew louder and

Louder

Enough of us

Had had enough

And begged for

Another –

Almost anyone –

But this Clown of a

Devil man

Suited up

In orange

Spray tan

We found a kind

Replacement

Imperfect as any

Human can be

Yet

All the while he wore

Good intentions

On his sleeve

He even rightfully

Gained enough

Votes to win

More than just

A narrow

Margin

In those days we could finally

Swap

Tears and fears

For cheers

We grinned

We danced

We clanked our beers

Yet the Clown Devil

Wouldn’t let well enough be

He fired up his base

Again

Inundating them

With more B.S.

Than could fill a cess

Pool

And sent one final invitation ‒

Inspired by

An invention of

His endless

Seditionist imagination

So surely they believed

That he’d won fair and square

And wouldn’t give up ‘til

That final invitation

Was indeed

A manifestation of

His dare

Unhinged, chaotic, wild,

And free

Determined

To undefile

And defend

Their chosen One’s un-victory

They released all their daggers

Arrows and

Pain

From their Clown Devil’s

Baseless claims

Onto the Capitol

Distraught with fear

And dismay

Our representatives

Felt, for the very

First time, how

Alt-facts and lies

Can lead people astray

Felt the fear

Regular citizens

Feel everyday

Simply by going to

Church, school, or

Even a play

The Clown Devil man,

Just like any Evil Despot,

Let his minions do the dirty work

But, he himself?

Walked away

With bloodless hands

By a mass seduction,

Through a multitude of

Big, bold

Whoppers and cheese

Fueled his loyal blind sheep

To manifest his initial mission

And we call this long due boiling up

Act of insurrection

Fruition

Butterfly Backpack

What if…

I got wings

Like a butterfly

To get me out of school?

Flittering, fluttering

Wings whispering

Gently in the sky

I’d leave trails of magic dust

As I float by

What if…

When I approach

The school bus steps

One step

Two steps

Almost there –

Then suddenly!

My backpack

Lifts me up

Up and away

Into the sky

Goodbye school bus

Goodbye school day!

Off to open fields

I would soar

Entering in

To Freedom’s door

Freedom tastes like…

Strawberries galore

Extra, more

It smells like…

Bright orange poppies

Swaying in the breeze

It feels like…

Yellow sunlight

Peeking through

The trees

Smiling down

On me

It looks like…

Baby grass green blades

Shooting up

From tattered weeds

It sounds like

Blue jays chirping

And nibbling

On their seeds

With my butterfly backpack

Tightly secured

I can see the whole wide world

Won’t you come with me

To explore?

All you need is:

Your imagination

To let you in

To Freedom’s door

This Time Last Year

This time last year

I didn’t know fear

Couldn’t have known

Worries would grow

10, 20, 100 million times

Replicating in my body

Inhabiting my cells

This time last year

All I had were

Dreams and wishes

And last night’s dishes

And

Whimsical popsicles

To lick

Slowly, slowly

A remedy for reality

This time last year

I was ready for

Change, but the good kind

In real life, and in my mind

What lay ahead,

I wouldn’t have wanted

To believe in or conceive

I would have been and was,

Ready to leave

This time last year,

When I was hopeful

And Death was thousands

Of miles away,

I thought everything

Was gonna be okay

Now, Death as an idea

And as data

Hits me in the face

Day after day

I wonder

So frequently

When it’s gonna

Put me

In my own grave

Could it be:

Today

Next year

In a decade?

Will it be:

Death by Covid,

A rare disease

Leukemia

Or mere heartache?

Death and Taxes:

Two things

In life

That are

Inevitable

So they say

But I’m not ready

To go before

My time

Even though

I know

It’s not my own

Timeline

In this new year

I know fear

He and I are

Unfortunately

Well Acquainted

He is a web of

Panic, mayhem, and tears

Will he ever leave?

Do I need to kick him out myself?

If he knocks, POUNDS, on

My door, will I let him in

Again?

How can I permanently rid of

Something, someone

So…

Stubborn?

How Much Is a Book Worth?

Reading, to me, isn’t just a pastime. It’s a time to engage with new ideas that challenge me. It’s a time to walk in someone else’s shoes. It’s a time to travel through time and space, maybe not physically, but in my imagination.

During Covid times, we’ve seen the crushing effects on small businesses, and if you are a small business owner, my heart truly goes out to you. You haven’t only lost money, you’ve lost your steam, your motivation to wake up in the morning. All around us, mom and pop shops are closing down. Even bigger businesses are struggling to stay above water. While we can’t do much to stop Covid, we can still support small businesses during these awful times. Specifically, I’d like to focus on local bookstores.

If you know me, you know that I love to read. It’s a pastime that started when I was very young. My mom would take me and my brother to the Arcadia Public library and we’d stay for hours, roaming each aisle, seeing what new treasures we could find. I remember having difficulty deciding which books to bring home with me and which ones to reluctantly leave behind – that darn book borrowing limit. As we got older, we’d go to a local used bookstore called the Book Rack. Books there were dirt cheap, so we stocked up whenever we went. Some of my fondest childhood memories are going to the library and bookstore. These places were my home away from home, and they still are today.

Certain books I picked up along the way shaped my worldview and sense of empathy for humanity. I may not have had a prestigious education. If anything, my education can be considered humble. But when I think about the books I had access to, the non-school books, I feel lucky. I learned about historical events that no history book could ever compare to. I learned about people’s experiences and I had greater compassion for them. Are these things not to be considered when the word ‘education’ is mentioned?

Here’s an example. When I was about 6 or 7 years old, we had a children’s book in the house called My Hiroshima. That book haunts me to this day. It is the story told through the perspective of a young girl whose family is affected by the bombing of Hiroshima during World War II. It was the very first time I had learned about atomic bombs or World War II. At such a young age, I had no context, no larger picture of how such a tragic event could occur, but what I did have after reading the story was compassion for the Japanese people.

Children of the River brought me to Cambodia in the late 70’s when the Khmer Rouge had taken over, leaving thousands of Cambodians in search of a new home, and nearly 2 million others dead through genocide. This story opened my eyes to what a corrupt government is capable of doing to its own people and the grave effects of communistic overhaul.

The Secret Life of Bees, which I read at 14, led me back to 1960’s America, a time of great social upheaval and change. A time of tensions between blacks and whites, between the privileged and not-so-privileged. It allowed me to walk in Rosaleen’s shoes, to see how hard it was to be a black woman with few rights and a dim future in a grim part of our country, where racism reigned unbridled.

When I think about these historical fiction stories (which all came from the Book Rack), I get chills, because I was so young and yet still so aware of injustice in the world. My young, still developing mind grappled with those injustices, wondering how and why people could be so cruel, so evil.

Learning about the real world led me to realize you and I can make it either better or worse. We are left with choice and responsibility. How can we bring forth fairness, equality, justice, peace and harmony? We have a choice! We can choose to love rather than hate. We can choose understanding over ignorance. We can fight for the underprivileged rather than increase our own. We can do all these things and more with the help of books. Books that can open our eyes to humanity so that we can be more human.

And that is why I urge you, my dear friends and family, to support your local bookstores and libraries, instead of perhaps ordering from Amazon or other large retail stores (for the time being!) so that we may continue a tradition of passing down books to our children, of creating fond memories surrounded by books big and small, and of opening our eyes to fellow human experiences so that we may offer more grace and understanding – to ourselves, to each other, and to all of humanity.

Can a Heart

Can a heart be mended

Can it be re-sewn

Can it be tended to

After damage unknown

Can it be rebuilt

After weathering a storm

Can it be taped together,

Preserved, reformed

And still look the same?

Can it face humiliation

And not wear the shame

Can it witness tragedy

And not fade to ebony

‘How does a heart return

To what it once was?’

You desperately want to know.

But you are asking the wrong question,

For what once was

Is no longer able to be.

‘How can a heart strengthen

In the midst of suffering?’

This is the eternal question

For humanity.

A heart only weakens

When the pain has

No release

Yet strengthens in

Knowing the pain

Will bleed.

Lost a lover or a friend?

Cry your eyes out,

‘Til the last tear

Can be shed.

Grieving?

Mourn,

And mourn again

Mourn still and always

And then

Keep believing

In abundance.

A heart can

Strengthen

Through pain

But only

If allowed

Expressions.

WAIL

Two hearts beating

One–of my own kind

The second–the Other

Forcibly confined

‘68, a year to mourn

Decades passed

More hate is born

My innocent brothers and sisters

Neighbors of another race

Weep ‘til eyes sting,

Dig their nails in

‘Til blisters

Form

They cry out,

Though no one listens

Hold out hope

For a new dawn

Watching, waiting

Hoping, praying

Wailing, wailing

And are met with

Closed hearts and ears

As more tears

Form

He says, “Give me your burden,

So your weight is light.”

Dear White brothers and sisters

The turn is ours to wail and wail and wail

If we are to love our neighbors

As ourselves

Time has run out

The hour to resist

Is here

Can we stand united

To atone for our greatest

Misdeeds

Arm in arm

Hearts heavy

Mourning, yearning

Forcibly changing

A nation unwilling

To make way

For

Peace on Earth

Good will towards

Yellow, Black,

Brown, Red,

And White Man?

To make way

for

Two hearts beating

In sync

Not in

Opposition.

Music Is Magic

During these isolating times, it’s easy to look back on the “old days” with rose colored glasses. Boy did we have it good! We could go see a show anytime or have an awesome meal or go see friends. Or even go to work and school.

I think the thing I miss the most is seeing my favorite bands live. Music is such a big part of my life. It feels wrong if I go a day without it. We were supposed to see Tame Impala last week, and Rina Sawayama (by the way, if you’ve never heard of her, stop reading and check her out RIGHT NOW) next month. While I’m sad live shows must be put on hold for the time being, I’ve been reflecting on shows of the past. A few have stood out in my mind, not just in terms of the music but also because the lead singer shared a bit of wisdom in between songs.

I’ll recount a few instances.

Twelve years ago in 2008, a metal band by the name of Cynic had just released their new album Traced in Air after a 13-year hiatus. My brother James and I were stoked and immediately got tickets to see them in LA. I’ll never forget when the lead singer Paul Masvadil spoke to the crowd. He said “If you’re holding on to unforgiving someone, let it go, and forgive them.” Just a few simple words, yet they packed a powerful punch. Whatever it was he was going through at the time clearly impacted him to the point of feeling a sense of urgency to pass wisdom along. Forgiveness is one of the hardest things to practice. And a lot of the time, it’s not even about forgiving someone else. It’s about first forgiving ourselves. Now I’m passing along his shared wisdom in case it hits you the same way it hit me – unexpectedly, and at a metal show, no less!

In 2017, I went to see LIGHTS, an electronic artist, in Pomona with a friend. During her set, she shared that she had been working on her first comic book, and after a lot of sweat and tears, got it published. Recounting how she didn’t believe in herself during the writing process, she said this to the audience: “You know that voice in your head, telling you you can’t do something or that you’re not good enough? Fuck that voice!” Friends, I cannot tell you how many times this quote pops into my head during times of self-doubt. We’ve all been there. Thinking we’re not talented enough or not strong enough or that our ideas don’t matter. But this reminder has brightened my darkest moments, and in some ways, inspired my poem ‘Voice Within.’

As I said before, we were supposed to see Tame Impala last week. I’ve never seen them, but I’d like to imagine that leadman Kevin Parker would share about his new song Posthumous Forgiveness. It’s about his dad, who passed away. Even though he had a lot of bitterness towards his father, you can see in the song that he still wishes he were alive so that he could share his music with his dad. I highly recommend reading the lyrics, and of course listening to the song. It’s one of my favorites right now.

What are some of your favorite memories of seeing live music? How has music impacted your life? Share your epiphanies, transformations, and other enlightenments in the comment section below or on Facebook / Instagram. All experiences are welcome. I’d love to read them 🙂

Shared Skies (for the ones who’ve lost their voice)

We share the same sky

But mine is the bluest of blues

And yours has a tinge of gray

From sadness in your eyes

That has lingered for miles upon miles.

We feel the same wind blowing in our hair

But it wisps mine, as I laugh

And tangles yours, as you sigh

Frustrated and beaten down

By another godforsaken day

That you don’t have the strength to face.

We breathe in the same air

But mine refreshes

Yours chokes.

We feel the same sun

Shining down on our open skin

But it kisses me

Lucky me!

And burns you.

That free California sun

For (everyone?)

Costs you skin damage and deep wrinkles

At 31.

Those sweet droplets of rain

Taste like lemon drops and gumdrops

To me.

To you

They taste polluted, sour, empty.

Heavy, too, as they pour, and pour, and pour

Drowning out your tears

Wiping away your makeshift home

And dearest belongings.

You wonder why you own anything

It’ll all be taken away by Them anyway.

I ask the reason why

As I drive by

While you cry

You think no one sees you

(‘Am I invisible?’ you ask yourself

for the thousandth time).

No, you aren’t

And, I do,

I see you.